Guess what?!

I get to spend a small but exciting half hour of my week one on one in a small practice room with an eager six year old musician.  Yes, Emily the Piano Teacher is back.  I don't have as many students as I did in Fargo (which is actually kind of a relief) but it's students like this that make me happy to be teaching in this capacity.

We had a pre-lesson conversation in which I asked her about school, and she went on and on, and then I asked her more specifically about math.  She said: "We're learning about penguins!" and proceded to have me guess how tall emporer penguins are (three to four feet) and spurt out other bits of knowledge about the said mathematical creatures, often starting her statements with "Did you know that..." or "Guess what?!"  (Side note: If you work around children, you need to understand that "Guess what?" is not actually a question requiring an answer but a means for them to fully proceed onward in their monologue of communication that they want to share with you.  It's suppose to make it sound like they're truly interested in your response but mostly they just need to share). 

Then, she started telling me about predators of penguins.  She couldn't quite remember what they were called, but after describing what they did, she realized they were whales.  Then, she told me:

"Killer whales can kill anything.  Except Jesus."

How true that is - killer whales can kill anything, but probably not our RISEN Lord and Savior.
Happy Easter to all!  I hope you get a chance to celebrate the new life that is possible through the work of Jesus Christ.  He is amazing, conquering sin and death... and could totally take a killer whale. 

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

As a general rule, I'm not a big mirror person. I intentionally did not put one up in my locker in middle/high school, going against the raging trend of teenagers at that time to check on your make-up and hair in between classes. (My reasoning: I wouldn't have enough time to do anything about it if I noticed something wrong with my hair, so it would be better off just not knowing. Also, I didn't wear make-up).

I know you're probably on the edge of your seat right now, wondering why I would have started this blog post about mirrors when I don't care much about them. Maybe you're even wondering why it's taken me so long to update.  To the first question I say keep reading, please.  To the latter, I have wondered about this as well, but avoid answering it by posing another question: Ever been through a spiritual plateau?

Hello, my name is Emily, and I have ups and downs in my spiritual life (and sometimes just don't have the drive or discipline to blog). I feel like this topic could be an entire network of posts, most of which would only vaguely make sense, but let me suffice it to say that I knew and still know that God is always good and is doing things that I am often unaware of but it doesn't mean my walk with Him is always bursting and bubbling over.

However, I have been reading Genesis lately.  It has honestly been a bit depressing. Other than God creating the whole world and it being amazing and good and all that, there is a lot of sin, right away in the world. Even people who are considered righteous are sometimes doing some clearly unrighteous things.  This has bothered me lately.  I was particularly troubled by Jacob, a man who gets about 11 chapters devoted to his life story.  As much as his name is technically Israel by the end of the story (which is a big deal, no question), his initial mark in the Bible is sketchy at best.  His name means "deceiver" and he lives up to its meaning right away, tricking his brother in a deal and working in cahoots with his mother by blatantly lying to his aging and blind father in order to receive a blessing.

 I'm reading this and thinking to myself, "Isn't Jacob a patriarch? Isn't that supposed to mean he's important and godly and stuff?"

One antidote to this came in the form of reading a commentary, Handbook on the Pentatuch by Victor Hamilton, on the text, as recommended by Ryan the Stable and Wise. I have really enjoyed learning some more historical/cultural insights on such passages as well as getting additional insights from a believer who was knowledgeable enough to write a prominent book on this particular part of scripture.

 
Anyway, Jacob's world shifts when he leave home to find a wife. He is on his own, encounters God via an intense dream, and makes a vow to state his now-dependence upon God. (Genesis 28:20-21). He then meets Laban, his mother's brother, and has this joyful meeting of a long-lost relative and ends up working for Laban.

Lovely as this all seems, Laban appears to be just as icky on the inside as Jacob. The story is really more complicated than I want to summarize here but the point is that Laban is also a deceitful man.

"Oh great!" I thought to myself with exasperation, "Another guy in the Bible who we should not emulate."

The commentator had something different to say.

 Hamilton notes that God is preparing to transform Jacob. Step one: Appear to Jacob (The dream covers that- check). Step two: "Hold up a mirror to Jacob. The method is to let Jacob spend the next twenty years living with a person whose character is much like his own: Laban."

Huh... Laban is a mirror? Someone who is sinning in the same way challenges Jacob to look at himself and see the sin? That made some sense to me. I entertained the concept and thought it to be a good insight until God gave me a little mirror experience of my own, at which point lesson hit me like a truck.

Recently, I observed someone asking a question to a child about a slightly trivial matter. When the child gave his response, the person asking the question got aggravated and tried to convey to the child that his response was not the right response and eventually cajoled the child into agreeing to what the adult thought was the correct response on the semi-minor issue.

Being the Love-and-Logic educator I am, I internally dove into negative response mode at this person. I think it's in very poor taste to ask a question when you only want one answer - experts prove this! Besides, it seems manipulative. I was pretty judgmental.

Fast forward a couple of days: Ryan and I are making potato soup. The bread dough is rising, the broth is boiling, and Ryan is cutting vegetables and putting them into the pot. We have the following interaction.

Emily: [observing the vegetables that are on the cutting board] Do you want to add some onion to the soup?

Ryan: No, probably not this time. I think it's [the pot] is going to be pretty full.

 And I stopped dead in my tracks.

 No onion!? Ryan, what are you thinking, you crazy man!! You are supposed to be the stable, rational one in this relationship. Have you lost all sense? Onion adds flavor and deliciousness to so many things, including this soup, of course we would include onion in this soup!

Then I thought: Mirror... mirror...

Wait a second. Was I just embodying the very thing I had mentally condemned a few days before?

 In a word, yes.

 I asked the question thinking the following conversation would occur:

 Emily: [observing the vegetables that are on the cutting board] Do you want to add some onion to the soup?

Ryan: Yes, of course! Onion adds flavor and deliciousness to this soup. Thank you so much, my dear and beautiful wife, for reminding me of this essential element for tonight's dinner. As a token of my gratitude and love for you, would you bestow upon me the honor of a giving you a back rub later this evening?

 I wanted to add the onion - not a big deal in itself.  Yet, I asked - and when the answer didn't suit me, my first response was to manipulate to get my way.

 (For the record, I did stop myself before continuing the conversation and explained my revelation to Ryan, who still did not offer me a back rub but smiled with me and continued to work on supper. The pot really was too full to add any other vegetables, anyway).

 I have to wonder if there's a bigger lesson going on here.

 God gave Jacob someone who was sinful in just the same way, to show Jacob the error of his way.

 Do you have someone in your life that is bothering you? Could they possibly be embodying a sin of which you need to be purged of, too?   I was a skeptic at first, but the onion episode (plus several more since I then) have convinced and convicted me.

 God is in the business of refining people and that means the sin has got to go.  Is He using a mirror in your life right now?

That Girl

I got a pair of tights over Christmas break.   (You know, those stretchy, tubular articles of clothing that go over your legs, similar to “leggings”; those things that people started wearing about two years ago?)

I like to keep up with the trends.  

In general, I think I am dressing better each year.  I blame my deep love and affection for camp and my summers there for influencing me to not care about clothing (which is actually a good thing, to an extent) but also for supplying me with copious amounts of T-shirts, most of which are only appropriate to work on such a campus as camp.  Or maybe when you’re painting.  Or sleeping.   But I tried to get away from clothes such as that when I became a “real” adult/got a teaching job in Fargo and became aware that I could run into students and parents at any time at the grocery store or on an innocent Target trip.  (Not convinced those fears were founded in reality?  When my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I went engagement ring shopping at the mall in Fargo, I ran into four students and one parent.  Why, sure, I will share this incredibly romantic and private and slightly terrifying moment with you, junior high girls who signed up for choir this year).  

Although I wouldn’t describe myself as very trendy or as one who loves shopping or has lots and lots of clothes, I do feel confident in my ability to dress well as needed.  I can dress up, and I can dress casually, I can do “dress casual.”   

I also, in general, like my body and my face and my hair.  This is helpful when dressing and such. 

But there are times when none of this matters.  All sense of security I might have, any compliments I might have received about my appearance or any becoming article of clothing I may be wearing will be cast aside; thrown to the wind, and it’s all because of her.

That Girl.

You know who that is, That Girl.  That Girl is the one who always “happens” to look better than you.  Did you roll out of bed and think “All I have to do today is make dinner and clean up afterwards” and dress accordingly, wearing in jeans and whatever is clean and will keep you warm?  Well, you might pass her and she’ll be wearing something stunning  - just because.  Have you actually put a decent amount of thought into your outfit of the day, coordinating a scarf with a new sweater and wearing make-up just because it feels good?  That Girl has rolled out of bed and just thrown something together to wear with scarcely a thought at all but comes out looking about 30% better than you nonetheless.   

I noticed That Girl when Ryan and I were new to Chicago and trying out different churches.  That Girl was singing on the worship team wearing this amazing outfit – modest, trendy, classy, and cute – and her voice – wow!  Warm through her mid-range, flexible, tone that was gorgeous, with a gentle vibrato in such a way that innocent bystanders are struggling to focus on God because they want to focus on her beautiful voice.  (Although they notice her beautiful skin, hair, and her perfect body, too).

That Girl made me mad inside.  Never mind the fact that I, too, was wearing a cute skirt that looked really nice and am blessed with decent skin and am pretty thin and was training for the half marathon at the time, so I was strong.  That Girl intruded on my thoughts with a vengeance.    

That Girl doesn’t stop there. 

Have you noticed that That Girl has a wide range of skills and talents, all of which you are pretty good at – until you notice her? 

Are you athletic?  That Girl is faster, stronger, and more flexible than you, but she doesn’t train as often.  Or, That Girl shows up at the gym at 6:00 a.m. every day just to get a good start to the day.  I’ve seen it both ways.  She also has expensive sweat-wicking workout clothes and manages to look good even after doing the elliptical machine for 45 minutes.

Are you a good cook?  You have probably noticed that That Girl cooks with all natural and organic ingredients that she has found on sale by scoping out the weekly ads and using all the coupon programs you find a smidge too complicated.  Her recipes are always turn out just right and while you might rejoice over a new kind of pasta sauce you’ve developed, That Girl has developed a new kind of entrée that would be too complicated and delicious to describe in this space and would hardly use something as simple as “pasta” when options like couscous and quinoa exist. 

Are you funny?  That Girl has some wit and can make any one, any age, laugh uncontrollably.

Are you a good writer?  That Girl has an ever-growing resume of exiting projects she has worked on, all of which were paid, and probably took her to exciting places around the world.

I’ve heard That Girl turns into “That Mom” when you have kids and the situation can get ugly.  Her kids are perfectly behaved and eat homemade, well balanced meals every day and achieve things above and beyond what is considered normal for their age group.  This is likely because she runs a home that is rich in literacy and raises her children in a way that is firm but loving.  She also attends Spin classes three times a week, in addition to volunteering in her child’s classroom every other Wednesday (the other Wednesday she volunteers at the homeless shelter) and leading the PTA. 

In every situation, she’s skinny, of course.   She probably has perfect skin. 

Unfortunately, That Girl is both nearby and far away.  As I mentioned, I saw That Girl while attending a new church soon after Ryan and I moved here.  But I also had a much more personal That Girl encounter with someone who is very close to me.  I felt like I was on the same level as this person, really, since we are friends.  She is beautiful inside and out, which is part of the reason I love her so much.  But somehow, during out last interaction, she morphed into That Girl.  Suddenly, I was very aware of my hand-me-down jeans.  (By the way, thank you, Danielle, Ryan, and Elizabeth for giving me your jeans you didn’t want anymore and to Jen for noticing I needed new jeans providing denim accordingly).  I noticed her hair is cuter than mine and styled more creatively and cutely.  I noticed she didn’t care about either of these things, and that made me feel even more guilty and insecure.  The list went on, but I think you can get the picture. 

This is about the time when a That Girl encounter turns ugly.  However, I have learned that I am not alone in my next action when I cross paths with That Girl.  I am not proud of this, but feel like it should be addressed.

I start to play “Beat That Girl.”  Not literally, of course.  There aren’t always clubs or other heavy objects nearby.  (Did I just take that joke too far?  Probably.  Ignore that, then).

“Beat That Girl” is played mentally, in self-talk, and is essentially a game of one-upmanship.  It goes a little something like this:   

That sweater looks awesome on her – classy and trendy and what a great color!  I wish I had worn my cute jeans today.

Her hair has a great sheen….But, my hair is naturally blonde.  Lots of people want that.

And, I have skinnier legs!  Plus, she is breaking out a little bit.

But she knows how to wear make-up… and it covers up everything and looks understated and perfect. 

She is way more confident than me.  She’s not even trying and she is better than me at everything.

Umm...

I’m married – So there!

Yes, being married does trump the scenario for me.  I recently realized that I am not the only one who uses a ring as a trump card.  There are, obviously, a lot of terrible things that go on during this mental game but the conclusion is probably the worst.   

It’s a completely absurd game.

Why do I play it?  Do you play it, too?  Perhaps you play a variation of the game, and substitute other items in the mental talk, but either way – this is not how people should be interacting with one another.

This is not a recipe for a healthy relationship.  This is a recipe for personal disaster.  “Winning” means nothing.  I wish I could always believe this. 

I know this would be an appropriate time to insert a “Newsflash!  There will always be someone better than you!”  That is certainly true.  But somehow, I feel like this issue and this horrible game of comparisons is deeper than something that can be combated with a simple phrase, true as it is. 

If I continue to compare myself to others, I am essentially saying I am not enough in who I am.  I am not complete in myself.  I am not good enough.   And, I put others down in the process. 

I am pretty sure God is not okay with this. 

I fully believe people are “people in progress” (aka being sanctified) and God loves us and wants us to grow, but I also believe He is completely satisfied with who we are and where we are, too.  It’s one of those crazy things that only the Almighty could ever manage to balance. 

I almost didn’t blog about this topic because I couldn’t figure out how to conclude.  This is definitely an unfinished issue in my heart and in my life.  I have a lot of growing to do.  But I felt like addressing and even admitting the problem was a start.  And truly, the finish has got to be found in Christ.  I can’t do this on my own!  Security in life, in ourself, and in our future can only be found outside of ourselves.

Sure, there will always be people who are better than us.  But we aren’t identified by them – or by that, by what we do or by what they do. 

I am working on ending the game before it starts – or at least before it gets out of hand – and becoming secure in Christ. 

A New Year Should at Least Be Noted

Happy New Year!

I'm only eight days late in wishing you such tidings but the Magi in the Bible didn't celebrate Christmas/Jesus' birth until Jesus was probably a toddler, and if they were considered wise, I feel like I should be okay.

I usually make resolutions/goals at the beginning of the school year and thus don't have any great plans to share.  However, creating and keeping this blog going was one of those goals so in just putting up this small bit of information, I am actually fufilling such a promise to myself and allowing you to read a blog post.  Brilliant!

To keep things fairly simple, I thought I could post a few pictures from Christmas and share just a smidge about the holiday.

Ryan and I started our 3rd Christmas together with our traditional only-us dinner. Each year, we make really good food and dress up and exchange gifts with each other. Observe:  

Our first Christmas together! 2009

Another Christmas, another bridesmaid dress.  2010

Celebrating in Illinois in 2011

This year's menu included pecan-crusted shrimp with a mildly spicy orange dipping sauce, green beans and onions sauteed with balsamic vinegar and brown sugar, homemade clam chowder and bread sticks and sparkling juice to finish it off.  We also enjoyed Haagen-Daaz later in the evening. 

We then spent Christmas with my family and then with Ryan's family and finally arrived back at our apartment on January 2nd.  As my facebook status read shortly after our arrival back to campus, it's great to travel but it's very great to be home.  This rang especially true for me this year. 

I hope you have had an excellent holiday season!

Cheers to the holiday!