I like to keep up with the trends.
In general, I think I am dressing better each year. I blame my deep love and affection for camp
and my summers there for influencing me to not care about clothing (which is
actually a good thing, to an extent) but also for supplying me with copious
amounts of T-shirts, most of which are only appropriate to work on such a
campus as camp. Or maybe when you’re
painting. Or sleeping. But I tried to get away from clothes such as
that when I became a “real” adult/got a teaching job in Fargo and became aware
that I could run into students and parents at any time at the grocery store or
on an innocent Target trip. (Not
convinced those fears were founded in reality?
When my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I went engagement ring shopping
at the mall in Fargo, I ran into four students and one parent. Why, sure, I will share this incredibly
romantic and private and slightly terrifying moment with you, junior high
girls who signed up for choir this year).
Although I wouldn’t describe myself as very trendy or as one
who loves shopping or has lots and lots of clothes, I do feel confident in my
ability to dress well as needed. I can
dress up, and I can dress casually, I can do “dress casual.”
I also, in general, like my body and my face and my hair. This is helpful when dressing and such.
But there are times when none of this matters. All sense of security I might have, any
compliments I might have received about my appearance or any becoming article
of clothing I may be wearing will be cast aside; thrown to the wind, and it’s
all because of her.
That Girl.
You know who that is, That Girl. That Girl is the one who always “happens” to
look better than you. Did you roll out
of bed and think “All I have to do today is make dinner and clean up afterwards”
and dress accordingly, wearing in jeans and whatever is clean and will keep
you warm? Well, you might pass her and
she’ll be wearing something stunning -
just because. Have you actually put a
decent amount of thought into your outfit of the day, coordinating a scarf with
a new sweater and wearing make-up just because it feels good? That Girl has rolled out of bed and just
thrown something together to wear with scarcely a thought at all but comes out
looking about 30% better than you nonetheless.
I noticed That Girl when Ryan and I were new to Chicago and
trying out different churches. That Girl was
singing on the worship team wearing this amazing outfit – modest, trendy, classy,
and cute – and her voice – wow! Warm through
her mid-range, flexible, tone that was gorgeous, with a gentle vibrato in such
a way that innocent bystanders are struggling to focus on God because they want
to focus on her beautiful voice. (Although
they notice her beautiful skin, hair, and her perfect body, too).
That Girl made me mad inside. Never mind the fact that I, too, was wearing
a cute skirt that looked really nice and am blessed with decent skin and am pretty
thin and was training for the half marathon at the time, so I was strong. That Girl intruded on my thoughts with a vengeance.
That Girl doesn’t stop there.
Have you noticed that That Girl has a wide range of skills
and talents, all of which you are pretty good at – until you notice her? Are you athletic? That Girl is faster, stronger, and more flexible than you, but she doesn’t train as often. Or, That Girl shows up at the gym at 6:00 a.m. every day just to get a good start to the day. I’ve seen it both ways. She also has expensive sweat-wicking workout clothes and manages to look good even after doing the elliptical machine for 45 minutes.
Are you a good cook? You have probably noticed that That Girl cooks with all natural and organic ingredients that she has found on sale by scoping out the weekly ads and using all the coupon programs you find a smidge too complicated. Her recipes are always turn out just right and while you might rejoice over a new kind of pasta sauce you’ve developed, That Girl has developed a new kind of entrĂ©e that would be too complicated and delicious to describe in this space and would hardly use something as simple as “pasta” when options like couscous and quinoa exist.
Are you funny? That
Girl has some wit and can make any one, any age, laugh uncontrollably.
Are you a good writer?
That Girl has an ever-growing resume of exiting projects she has worked
on, all of which were paid, and probably took her to exciting places around
the world.
I’ve heard That Girl turns into “That Mom” when you have
kids and the situation can get ugly. Her
kids are perfectly behaved and eat homemade, well balanced meals every day and
achieve things above and beyond what is considered normal for their age
group. This is likely because she runs a
home that is rich in literacy and raises her children in a way that is firm but
loving. She also attends Spin classes
three times a week, in addition to volunteering in her child’s classroom every
other Wednesday (the other Wednesday she volunteers at the homeless shelter) and
leading the PTA.
In every situation, she’s skinny, of course. She probably has perfect skin.
Unfortunately, That Girl is both nearby and far away. As I mentioned, I saw That Girl while
attending a new church soon after Ryan and I moved here. But I also had a much more personal That Girl
encounter with someone who is very close to me.
I felt like I was on the same level as this person, really, since we are
friends. She is beautiful inside and
out, which is part of the reason I love her so much. But somehow, during out last interaction, she
morphed into That Girl. Suddenly, I was
very aware of my hand-me-down jeans. (By
the way, thank you, Danielle, Ryan, and Elizabeth for giving me your jeans you
didn’t want anymore and to Jen for noticing I needed new jeans providing denim accordingly). I noticed her hair is
cuter than mine and styled more creatively and cutely. I noticed she didn’t care about either of
these things, and that made me feel even more guilty and insecure. The list went on, but I think you can get the
picture.
This is about the time when a That Girl encounter turns ugly. However, I have learned that I am not alone
in my next action when I cross paths with That Girl.
I am not proud of this, but feel like it should be addressed.
I start to play “Beat That Girl.” Not literally, of course. There aren’t always clubs or other heavy
objects nearby. (Did I just take that
joke too far? Probably. Ignore that, then).
“Beat That Girl” is played mentally, in self-talk, and is
essentially a game of one-upmanship. It
goes a little something like this:
That sweater looks
awesome on her – classy and trendy and what a great color! I wish I had worn my cute jeans today.
Her hair has a great
sheen….But, my hair is naturally blonde.
Lots of people want that.
And, I have skinnier
legs! Plus, she is breaking out a little
bit.
But she knows how to
wear make-up… and it covers up everything and looks understated and
perfect. She is way more confident than me. She’s not even trying and she is better than me at everything.
Umm...
I’m married – So
there!
Yes, being married does trump the scenario for me. I recently realized that I am not the only
one who uses a ring as a trump card.
There are, obviously, a lot of terrible things that go on during this
mental game but the conclusion is probably the worst.
It’s a completely absurd game.
Why do I play it? Do
you play it, too? Perhaps you play a
variation of the game, and substitute other items in the mental talk, but
either way – this is not how people should be interacting with one another.
This is not a recipe for a healthy relationship. This is a recipe for personal disaster. “Winning” means nothing. I
wish I could always believe this.
I know this would be an appropriate time to insert a “Newsflash! There will always be someone better than you!” That is certainly true. But somehow, I feel like this issue and this
horrible game of comparisons is deeper than something that can be combated with
a simple phrase, true as it is.
If I continue to compare myself to others, I am essentially
saying I am not enough in who I am. I am
not complete in myself. I am not good
enough. And, I put others down in the
process.
I am pretty sure God is not okay with this.
I fully believe people are “people in progress” (aka being
sanctified) and God loves us and wants us to grow, but I also believe He is
completely satisfied with who we are and where we are, too. It’s one of those crazy things that only the
Almighty could ever manage to balance.
I almost didn’t blog about this topic because I couldn’t
figure out how to conclude. This is
definitely an unfinished issue in my heart and in my life. I have a lot of growing to do. But I felt like addressing and even admitting
the problem was a start. And truly, the
finish has got to be found in Christ. I
can’t do this on my own! Security in
life, in ourself, and in our future can only be found outside of ourselves.
Sure, there will always be people who are better than
us. But we aren’t identified by them –
or by that, by what we do or by what they do.
I am working on ending the game before it starts – or at
least before it gets out of hand – and becoming secure in Christ.
